First off, let me apologize for the lack of entries. Life has sped up tremendously since I last blogged. Also, I would like to thank everyone who kept commenting and even the messages checking up on me. That was very heartwarming, and I appreciate it. Like I said, a lot of things are going on right now. I like to blame my lack of entries on spending a week in Tennessee for my son's fifth birthday, trip to Denali National Park (beautiful, btw, and I might post pictures), helping my husband get ready for NTC (month of Iraq training in California which is next month), a lot of World of Warcraft, and of course, laziness.

With that said, I'm moving on.

So, I took a trip to Tennessee for a week to attend my son's birthday party. It was great, and when he saw me, he let go of Nanny's (in whose care he's in, his great-grandmother) hand, screamed "Mommy!" and ran straight towards me to give me a huge bear hug. He spent most of his time with me, begging me to slide down the tube slides with him (and of course, I abided gleefully). It took place a local park, so we were in the play area. It turned out fantanstic, and of course I was estatic to see him again. I love that kid more than life itself and would take mine to save his in a heartbeat.

While I was spending time in Tennessee, Ben (my husband) surprised me and bought me a diamond wedding band while I was away! It was so sweet and totally out-of-character for him. I loved it. He also go himself a plain white gold wedding band. We finally got them resized the other day so we can actually wear them now!

As for Denali National Park, Ben and I drove two hours from where we live to spend a day. We shopped the local gift shops and ate at the nearby restaurants. We went horseback riding through the country, which was beaaaauuutttiiifffuuulll. Then we drove 15 miles through the park and saw caribou! We were only planning to spend Saturday there, but two of his army buddies were camping at the park itself and convinced us to camp with them since they had an extra tent. So Saturday night was spent drinking and playing cards. We drove back Sunday morning.

As for my biological mother, Shelia, she's apparently in the hospital. My older sister Danielle called me yesterday and explained to me that Shelia's boyfriend told her that Shelia has cancer of the lungs, brain, and bone. Of course, with all the lies Shelia has thrown around, it was a bit excessive to believe. I was right in the assumption to an extent. My father called me later and told me that she has a cancerous lesion in a bone in her leg, in her lung, and a mass on her brain. My father was talking to Shelia on the phone while she was (and still is) in the hospital. He said he heard nurses in the background talking about her morphine drip and oxycoton. So something is definitely wrong with her.

My father also told me he called back another time and Shelia's boyfriend answered the phone stating that she was out smoking! It's difficult to find compassion for this woman, as this is a clear sign that she brings a lot of things on herself. Like I stated in an earlier blog, she's done a numerous amount of drugs on numerous occassions, a possiblity of why the lesion in her brain. Of course, the lesion on her lung is from smoking two or more packs of cigarettes a day.

When I was talking to my father yesterday, I almost broke from my stint of not talking to her (which I haven't spoken with my mother since the beginning of February) and asked for the hospital phone number. I just really don't know how to feel about all of it. One part of me says that the good person in me will always prevail and overcome trivial situations and care for someone in need. But what she has put me through in life is not trivial. A lot of the things she has done has only provoked the heartache of losing the only true mother in life I had, my paternal grandmother. Thinking back on the ways she has scorned me only makes me wish that I still had my true mother now, that she wasn't gone forever.

I'm stumped on this.

What would you do in this situation?

I found out last week that Ben does not plan to buy me a ring. I forgot what we were talking about as we walked through the Post Exchange on post, but somewhere in time I asked, "You're not going to get me a ring, are you?" He just stated in his normal "Ben" voice with an underlying breath laugh, "Probably not."

I'm not even sure why it bothers me so much. Okay, so I know a little. I thought that we would eventually get around to it. It's difficult  for me to believe that it's never going to be on his agenda. When people asked me right after the wedding, "Where's the ring if you just got married?" I retorted, "An apartment is far more important right now." Well, we have our apartment now. The days before our wedding, I told him not to worry about it right then.

I didn't ask for a wedding dress. I didn't ask for a proper wedding. I didn't ask for a vacation honeymoon. I thought the least he could do was get the rings. Doesn't he want to brand me? Doesn't he want everyone to know that I am his? I don't get it, and I know he's going to eventually find his way around to this entry (he knows of my Xanga). Then, he might feel guilty and get the rings. I DON'T WANT THAT! I want him to feel proud to put a ring on my finger, and now I know it's never going to happen that way.

There is a fine line between my girliness and my laid-back nature, but now he is stomping all over the wrong side at the wrong time. There has got to be a point where he steps back and really analyzes what's going on. Shit, I don't even know how to explain it. I don't know, he just can't keep treating me like such a buddy in these moments of time. I know I told him I loved the fact that we were buddies and not all over each other with romance, but this is not the time to be a buddy to me.

I'm going to cringe every time someone discovers I'm married and asks, "Where's your ring?" I just feel like when I'm answering, they're thinking through their head that there is something wrong with the relationship at that time, thinking that maybe we're separated, but I'm covering up for it saying I just haven't gotten the ring yet. It's just going to hurt a little each time I have to hear and reply. God, and I don't even care about diamonds or any of that! I would be fine with the thinnest gold, plain Jane wedding band from Wal-Mart. It's the principle.

A little less Ben, and a little more husband. I feel like my significance is just mirroring everyone else's, and that's a horrible, horrible feeling. We don't have to be traditional in any bit (because for the most part, I don't want to be), but there are still some things that are important to me.

/edit

Not that I mind one weeeeeeee bit :}, but just for the simply fact of getting the same subject comment and explaining myself over and over and having this verbal diarehea of sorts, I didn't tell him at the time, because I believed it was most definitely not the time or place to let out my thoughts at that point. There has been a lot of other things going on since then, and I know I should tell him. I just haven't had the chance. Now, he's in the field, and I will not speak with him until Saturday. <3

It has taken an extremely long time to believe this -- so long, I am just now grasping the meaning of everything negative that has occurred in my life. Before, I would run around asking myself, Why me? Why is this happening to me? I walked through life, until lately, with a defeatist attitude. It is me that has been victimizing myself. I have taken the adversity and have drawn it to a much darker place. Now I feel like I'm practicing what I've been preaching halfheartedly. Everything I have experienced molds my character and has strengthened my soul (or whatever the hell is beneath all that yucky skin, muscle, and bone).

I have been abandoned by my biologically mother multiple times. I used to dwell on that fact until three months ago. After analyzing the fact, I'm glad that I did not grow up within her clutches. Every encounter with her is not a good one. Even if she isn't stealing from me or being two-faced, the happiness is fake. She is a fake person. Even I, her own daughter, do not even know who she truly is. To think that I was so close to being raised in that environment, I am thankful for her hardly coming around.

My true mother passed years ago. I have ground this around in my mind until there was nothing but grains of the thought for six years. I had never discovered an answer or anything positive until now. I truly believe I would have never learned to appreciate her and everything she said to me if she had not passed. It's horrible, but I was horrible back then. I don't think I would have absorbed all of her teachings if everything didn't play out the way it did. To lose something so meaningful, it has taught me not to take everything for granted.

Most men I have had any relationship with (boyfriends, friends, family) have not treated me well -- abused mentally, physically, and even sexually to an extent. Even though this is common for a lot women, it was so difficult to succumb to this realization. Succumbing to this was also gaining the strength of slicing off a portion of my naivety (which I attempt to cling to any portion of it that I can). Just with doing that, it has opened my eyes to the fact that I can't retain all naivety and maturing is part of losing bits of it. It has taught me that ignorance is not always bliss. (This next sentence should be omitted, but I just can't help it) Plus, it also taught me how to weed out the bastards and be more cautious.

These are only a few examples because my life has been full of adversity, but it's about taking it in stride. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Everyone has to deal with hardship, but it is different for every single person. It's about uncovering what really makes you happy and where you fit in perfectly between the imperfections. I have told myself this many times over the years, but now I'm beginning to understand it and believe I am rich in my strength.